Sweet Endings

So tonight as I am kneeling next to Sophie's bed, she asks if she can sing me a song. Sure I say. Put your head on my lap she demands....amused I obey. She then proceeds to sing (in her sweet little voice that can't yet pronounce the "r's" correctly), "Lullaby and goodnight....." the whole way through. All the while she sings, she is stroking my head - just like I do to her every night. I couldn't help but let the tears run down my face! Truly a moment I never want to forget all of my life.

Mama's Girl

Ok, so last night was a rough one at the Romey household. Soph was obviously exerting some independence (Lord knows she has a lot of it) and I was exerting a case of "lead-ass." Sorry to curse, but it's true. However, over the past few weeks I've been noticing so much about my girl and marveling at God's handy-work. I've said many times before that God created Soph to be our daughter, but now I'm actually seeing it in our everyday lives.

This is probably weird for those of you who have biological children - you expect to see yourself in your kids....physical attributes, habits, character traits...etc. But we don't get that - I will never look at Sophie and think, "she's got her father's eyes." I can't pull out old baby pictures of me and compare them to hers - and truly I'm ok with that. Yes, sometimes there is a twinge of pain, but at the same time, I would never trade what we have in her for a daughter who looks like me!

I say all this because lately I'm starting to "see us" in Sophie! Ok, obviously she will never have George's coloring (thank God), but the other night we were watching our cat and she and I both laughed at the same time with the same lilt in our voices. And by lilt I mean that really obnoxious laugh that I do (sorry world). I was so taken aback by it that I longed for a tape recorder so that I could replay that moment over and over. Then, there's the fact that she is obsessed with Ralph on "A Christmas Story!" I mean, this girl is quoting lines from the movie....and she's only 2 1/2!!! I watch the same movie every night during the holiday season - truly a classic.

I know this all sounds silly, but I feel like God is reassuring me that Sophie was "wonderfully and fearfully made," to be our daughter....obnoxious laugh and all!

Putting it out there....

Ok, so I'm just going to have blogarrhea here - I have so much I want to get out, and I must do it on blog so that when this is all over, I can look back on it and see how God has moved!

This year has probably been one of my most challenging for me as a teacher. I love my principal and am inspired by her daily. I don't know if it's the kids, the fact that this is my 7th year, or becoming a mom...but I'm feeling pulled away from teaching. Yikes, did I just say that? Not that I don't want to be a teacher....I do, I do, I do! I love my kids, I love watching them make connections, and I LOVE when the lightbulb goes on! But it's this one student that's really getting me....the one I leave at home everyday: Sophie.

She is my everything, and I feel like she's growing up without me! Each day I come home (exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally) and she has lived all this life without me! I know what you're thinking - I'm that crazy mom who wants her kids with her all the time. And to that I say, "Yes!" I want to be there when she's learning, and I want to be there when she discovers who Jesus really is. I want to see her make connections and watch her lightbulbs go on and watch her become the woman God made her to be. Now here's the hard part....I can't do all of this and teach everyday.

Again, I know what you're thinking..."teachers have it so easy! They get all holidays off and summers paid! What do they have to complain about?" True, I do get an awful lot of time off (and btw, summers are really only 10 weeks anymore). But teaching is so all-consumingly-consuming! My day doesn't start at 8 and go until 5....and I rarely have a weekend where I'm not grading or planning. So where does this leave my daughter? Where does it leave me and George? It leaves me empty, deflated, and unsatisfied.

So where do we go from here? I have to make money - that's a fact. In our family, I am the bread winner. But we figured out that if we can get our car paid off and our last credit card, that with me making 1500/month we'd be....dare I say "comfortable?"

Yet, here's the uncomfortable part: where does this leave us with our adoption? Each time I pray I continually get conformation from God to move forward, but we still haven't. We're now off the waiting list and with a few paperwork items and $2600 we're on to the next step. And that's where I'm stuck. I don't know where this money is going to come from. I don't know how we'll pay off our car and our credit card. And so here I sit....procrastinating more and more...and feeling more and more miserable at school.

(Heavy sigh) I'm going to go take some blogmodium!

Wait for your crib, Debby!

So Thursday morning I was in the place I do my best thinking....no it's not the bathroom (well sort of)...it was in the the shower. Something about the silence, the relaxation, and the peace make it the spot where grand ideas are birthed. I was thinking about my friend Nicole. Nearly 8 months pregnant, she is reaching the peak of her "nesting phase." The baby's room is painted, clothes are hanging in the closet, and everything is in place except for one thing....a crib. As an expectant mom, that is a huge piece of the nursery missing. Suffice it to say, she's getting nervous.

Her sisters, along with another colleague and I are planning a baby shower for her. While discussing some of the shower details with her, she became very anxious and started asking if it would be rude to suggest on the invitation that people pitch in to purchase a crib. Ummmm...invites have already gone out, Nikki! I could see the fear brewing just beneath the surface! A few hours later her sister called me...Nicole had also talked to her and pleaded her case for a crib. Frustrated, her sister complained that family members had already joined together and not only was she getting the crib she wanted, but also the travel system she had registered for! If she will just wait, she's going to get everything she needs! her sister exasperated.

So back to the shower.... there I was thinking (and laughing to myself) about this situation. It dawned on me then that this must be exactly how God is looking at me right now. Here I sit, wanting another child soooo badly. We're having to wait (yet again), and all I can think about is how to make this process go faster - what could I do to get another baby now? Seriously, in my mania I've been questioning our agency choice, whether we should switch to foster care, even contemplating getting pregnant (ummmm...yeah right - no thank you!).

And up in Heaven God must be shaking his head and laughing as He thinks to Himself, if she will just wait, she's going to get everything she needs!

Stupid shower epiphanies!

The Mountain....

So this afternoon at lunch I received a phone call from our adoption agency. Yes, all the initial paperwork is in, however, because of the high number of waiting families, we will have to wait three months to begin the process. Ummmm...ok, what's three months? I think.

Then, hearing the slight discouragement in my voice, she tells me that we need to prepare ourselves for a wait. She told us that typically birth mothers pick families who are childless because they want to fill a void for that family. Really? I think. We were overlooked so many times with our first adoption because the birth mother wanted her child to have siblings. So by this point my discouragement is palpable. I look over to Jenny who tells me just to get up and go to the car (she always knows best!). I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry....yeah right!

I tell all this to Jen and feel I am instantly transported back to my own personal mountain. For those of you who don't know, it's the same metaphorical mountain that the Israelites were delivered to a few thousand years ago. Here God had set them free and performed incredible miracles right in front of their eyes, yet when they got to the wilderness, they couldn't even trust Him to take them on a 2 week journey to the promise land! Instead, they went around and around and around the same mountain for 40 years!

Now, here I am again at my mountain. Two years ago I witnessed an incredible miracle...the birth of my daughter! Yet, now I'm once again not trusting Him to take me through this adoption process again???? No, I don't want to go around this same mountain again!

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I will lean on you Lord - I will trust in You - and I will put all my confidence in you, your plans, and your timing. I will not listen to those words of discouragement...your plans are better and you are greater!

I will not go around this mountain again.

Whoa Nelly....This Is For Real!

So today, I think I had that moment that many expectant moms have when they discover they're pregnant. While chatting with my sister this afternoon, my cell phone went off. I looked down at the screen and it said, "restricted." My heart skipped a beat because I knew it had to be the adoption agency. Sure enough it was. A sweet woman spoke with me for a few minutes - she confirmed that she received our application and check, however, there was something missing from our 1040.

The entire time we spoke I could feel my heart pounding in my chest...I was suddenly transported back to two years ago when we were going through this with Sophie's adoption. I know that we are once again in this process, but this time I know what we are going to get. It's not just that we are adopting a "baby"....we are getting another little person.

With that one phone call, so very early in the process, it suddenly became so very real - we're not just talking about it...we're doing it! Fear and doubt gripped my heart, but I have to go back to that Sunday when we were compelled to fill out our application. I can literally feel myself being pulled down this path, as if there is a rope around my soul. And just like any other expectant mom who has looked down and seen two lines, it is scary...but there is no turning back now!

God is moving....

For our next adoption, I really wanted to document as much as I could so that we could look back and see how God has moved. I was thinking about starting when our adoption application was approved, but as I think back, it started much earlier.

For instance, back in April, our Chevy Blazer was breaking down (to the tune of $2,300!). We knew that buying a new car was our best bet, but we didn't know how we could do it. We started looking at mid-sized sedans and cross overs - the Blazer was a gas guzzler and we didn't want another. All of the cars we looked at didn't feel quite right. Through a series of events a few different people had mentioned vans. "No way," we thought! First of all, we only have one kid, second of all, we don't have enough money. Well, the more we thought and prayed about it, the more God revealed to us that we have to start thinking long term. If we are going to pay on this car for 6 years, we have to think about life in the long term. Suddenly, it made sense to buy a van. Not only did we find the perfect one, but through an online discount, we got it for $3,000 less than the asking price! I kept saying, "Now that I have a van, God can fill it with babies!"

Then we had housing issues. Should we stay in our condo or try to sell? Waffling back and forth, I had no idea until one Sunday when our pastor was preaching on having a servant's heart. He explained that one of the aspects of serving God was not waiting for perfection. Your circumstances will never be perfect enough - you should just do it! It was at that moment that I literally felt a stirring in my soul. I suddenly felt a great urgency to fill out our adoption application...so urgent that I almost felt like I needed to run out of the sanctuary and do it right then. We mailed it out that Thursday! (6/17/2010) Yes, we live in a 2 bedroom condo, yes our kids will have to share a room. Will it be hard? Yes! Will it be cramped? Yes! Does God know this? Yes!

I don't know what God has in store for us...it could be another 2 year wait - it could be a 2 month wait. All I know is that God is moving us toward a child right now. There is a baby out there who needs a home, who needs a Mommy and Daddy, and we feel that this is our calling. We are called to be parents to the orphan - as many as He will allow us to have.

We're scared, clueless, and questioning finances - but our certainty lies in Him. God is moving!