Putting it out there....

Ok, so I'm just going to have blogarrhea here - I have so much I want to get out, and I must do it on blog so that when this is all over, I can look back on it and see how God has moved!

This year has probably been one of my most challenging for me as a teacher. I love my principal and am inspired by her daily. I don't know if it's the kids, the fact that this is my 7th year, or becoming a mom...but I'm feeling pulled away from teaching. Yikes, did I just say that? Not that I don't want to be a teacher....I do, I do, I do! I love my kids, I love watching them make connections, and I LOVE when the lightbulb goes on! But it's this one student that's really getting me....the one I leave at home everyday: Sophie.

She is my everything, and I feel like she's growing up without me! Each day I come home (exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally) and she has lived all this life without me! I know what you're thinking - I'm that crazy mom who wants her kids with her all the time. And to that I say, "Yes!" I want to be there when she's learning, and I want to be there when she discovers who Jesus really is. I want to see her make connections and watch her lightbulbs go on and watch her become the woman God made her to be. Now here's the hard part....I can't do all of this and teach everyday.

Again, I know what you're thinking..."teachers have it so easy! They get all holidays off and summers paid! What do they have to complain about?" True, I do get an awful lot of time off (and btw, summers are really only 10 weeks anymore). But teaching is so all-consumingly-consuming! My day doesn't start at 8 and go until 5....and I rarely have a weekend where I'm not grading or planning. So where does this leave my daughter? Where does it leave me and George? It leaves me empty, deflated, and unsatisfied.

So where do we go from here? I have to make money - that's a fact. In our family, I am the bread winner. But we figured out that if we can get our car paid off and our last credit card, that with me making 1500/month we'd be....dare I say "comfortable?"

Yet, here's the uncomfortable part: where does this leave us with our adoption? Each time I pray I continually get conformation from God to move forward, but we still haven't. We're now off the waiting list and with a few paperwork items and $2600 we're on to the next step. And that's where I'm stuck. I don't know where this money is going to come from. I don't know how we'll pay off our car and our credit card. And so here I sit....procrastinating more and more...and feeling more and more miserable at school.

(Heavy sigh) I'm going to go take some blogmodium!